Notes From a Plane Ride

   I really like flying Air Lufthansa. They feed you even on the one hour flights, which is pretty groovy of them. I've had three Air Luf sandwiches in four days now, so I think my commentary is pretty expert. Despite the pleasure I get from a free sammie, it is still airplane food, so there's always something to complain about. The sandwich I just ate was labelled as follows: "Tomato, basil and mozzarella". Lets think about the message you send when you have to list mozzarella as a selling point for lack of any other ingredients-- when one third of the filling is mozzarella.
   Mozzarella is potentially the world's most uninteresting cheese. It's like, "do you like the taste of air? Well here it is in solid form". It's the Kourtney Kardashian of the dairy world. Besides the cheese, the tomato and basil portions of the sandwich were spreads. The kind of consistency that just slides through your digestive tract like a well-waxed toboggan on the day after a frost.
   Then there's the white bread. Don't get me wrong, I am no health nut. I will eat anything. My beef is that I'm nearly certain that each slice of bread was 75% air. Which is great if you answered "yes" to the earlier "do you like the taste of air" question. I guess it's weirdly fitting though; some air bread to go with your air cheese, as you shoot through the actual air in a metal tube.

:/

I think this idealization of melancholic love really fucks people up.

The Ham Barrier

   When you make a sandwich, you must always remember the ham barrier. I really only make ham and cheese sandwiches because I can't be bothered with the fast-paced deli queue lifestyle. But any sandwich has a ham barrier of its own, regardless of whether it actually contains any ham content.
   Despite recent census results, you should know that I am not an monster. I like my eats, and I am trying to avoid seasonal depression by getting vitamins (or whatever). Thus, my ham and cheese sandwiches feature Tomato, Lettuce and occasionally guest star Fried Egg. Its like a good mainstream rap in that it can't ever really be that "good" compared to the rest of its category, but it certainly helps if its featuring 2 Chainz. Does that make sense? If not, just think about it some more, its a very complex and intellectual comparison.
   Okay, so the ham barrier. You know when you've got leaky vegetables? Lord love the humble tomato, but is it ever a messy sonofagun! Within minutes you've got soggy breads and your sandwich is more like a pool toy than a lunch. Fried egg does it too, he's just sneakier about it. This is where the ham barrier comes in.
   Lay some sweet slices down to rest against your bread then order your ingredients however which way you want and you've made yourself a good ham barrier. Say goodbye to the soggy breads of yesteryear and hello to that old school sandwich satisfaction.

Grandparents

   Grandparents are legit the coolest people, I'm just putting it out there. Every kid should have their grandparents in their life.
   Grandparents: Go on, get in on that sweet childhood bonding time and tell as many weird stories as possible. Its your right!
   Parents: Make sure your parents are in your kids' lives. Barring any extreme circumstance, no matter what you feel about your parents, its important that your kid has grandparents.
   Kids: Your grandparents are guaranteed more badass than you think they are so sit down and shut up. Make some angel food cake, or discuss the weekly sales at your local Loebs. Shit means a lot to your grandparents, shit will mean a lot to you eventually.