Girls/Sex and the City

   The difference between Sex and the City and Girls is that the former made its audiences want to live the glamorous, yet contrived lifestyles of the women it portrayed, whereas the latter, though equally as unrealistic in its own right, makes you wish for death before you end up as fucked up as its characters.
   My friends and I were once discussing which of the Girls characters each of us are, and it makes you realize that being likened to any of them is a slap in the face in one respect or another. You're either an adorable though infantile virgin, a feather-wearing free spirit who is susceptible to impromptu marriage, an anal-retentive social climber with control issues or a socially awkward whiner who suffer from OCD.
   I would take Carrie Bradshaw over any of those. At least if there's going to be an unsuccessful wedding, I want to wear a big dress and smash some flowers, as opposed to... I don't know a flower crown? Lets be real though, I'm no Jessa. I'm a Marnie through and through, plastic dress and all.

"It's So Great To See All You Horrible People"

   Is what is running through your mind at every reunion you have ever attended. I get that kind of internal dialogue a lot when I go to parties back home where there are a bunch of people I went to high school with.
   It's a very weird thing where you can't not go, even though you won't have anything to say to those people from your past, most of whom you don't even like anymore. But you can't just not go. So you complain about it for weeks in advance, and even if you have a legitimate excuse not to go, you will somehow go out of your way to attend anyway. Why does that happen? I don't know, but someone needs to put that shit in the book of physics.
   And when you get there you kind of stand around near the pretzels for a while (even though, not unlike all these people, you don't even like pretzels) then you go to the bathroom and run into some people you used to know and you share general information about your boring lives. It goes like that all night pretty much.
   But the weirdest part is on the drive home where you're like, wow that was awful, but you don't regret going. And you'll go to the next one. It won"t be any better, and nobody will have anything better to say to you (because if their lives were all that different, they wouldn't be at the party).

A Word of Advice

GENTLEMEN I'm going to tell you how to make a girl and her mom (and anyone else in the world really) not hate you based on the photographs of yourself you present to the world. Listen up because apparently this is very tricky.

1. She doesn't care about your abs. Even if she does, SAVE IT FOR THE LIVE SHOW, MAGIC MIKE. Know when your abs are at their worst in a photo? When we can't even see your face. Believe me, your face is not so bad that a photo needs to be cropped from shoulders to crotch. Your face is more handsome than your abs, which is really just a series of lumps covered by a thin layer of greasy skin. PS Whats up with that glare? Is it actual grease???

2. She doesn't care about your bong. Know who does? The police. But hey, I'm not here to tell you how to live your life (she says as she lists reasons why you should change your photos). There is nothing worse than a gnarly bong photo. Even a cigar photo makes you look like a leathery old man, and blowing smoke out of your mouth isn't as seductive as you think it is. At least a cigar makes you look rich, but a bong just makes you look like everyone from high school. If drugs are a big part of your life, thats something she probably already knows about you if she has access to photos of you. A picture of you caressing a illicit vase is not doing you any favours. Keep blowing smoke in your photos and thats the only kind of blowing you can expect from now on (AYYYOOOOO).

3. She doesn't care about - and is probably offended by - your wardrobe comprised on Nike slogan T-shirts. You know, the ones that read, "I'm doing work", "How' second taste?" or "I fucked your mom or whatever" (one of those might be Adidas actually). How you gonna show up to Greek Easter with that kind of fashion sense? Wear whatever you want but when it comes to pictures of yourself that you consider 'good', no T-shirt that claims to tell me what I was doing last night should be involved.

French Kissing-- Not That Kind, The Other Kind

   I have a lot of questions about French kissing. According to Wikipedia (my favourite source for accurate information),"A French kiss is a kiss in which one or both participants' tongues touch the partner's lips or tongue, usually entering their mouth.". But thats not what I'm talking about, because I'm saving my first kiss for marriage.
   I don't really know how to refer to the kiss I'm talking about since "French kiss" has already been dibsed so I guess I will refer to it as "the kiss that French people do" from here on out. Its the one where two people kiss on both cheeks. You know the one. 
   There is no surer way to throw off Anglos than by rocking their world with this kiss. I for one see it as a million awkward moments waiting to happen. I mean, who out of us has not accidentally kissed our great aunt right on the mouth in the midst of the confusion that the kiss French people do causes. 
   First off, there's the issue of who's going to which side first. But the drama doesn't end there, in fact that is the least of my concerns. Speed has always been my most prominent anxiety about the kiss that French people do because its not usually until I'm really close to their face that I'm certain I'm going in for the kiss that French people do. Until three seconds before its happening, the kiss that French people do could be a straightforward hug, with no frills. So I never know how fast to perform the cheek kisses. It always seems as if I've rushed through it and smashed my face against my partner. 
   Also, I never actually kiss the other person's cheek(s). It is physically impossible for two people to be simultaneously kissing the opposing cheek of the other person. It can't be done without surgical aids. Some people don't even bother with the kiss, its more of a face graze, which presents yet another issue. Do I then have to make the kissy noise? What is the protocol? By that point you're right up close to their ear. They'll definitely hear your kissy noise, is it better then to just plant one on their ear? Is that okay? 
   Do you even have to pucker? Nobody can see you, but I feel like its good form to purse your lips a little bit, or at least I always do. Does that mean that you have to close your eyes as well, and follow the standard general kiss guidelines?? 
   How is it possible to foster even a smidgen of romance in this hectic kiss environment? It would be best if we all just kept it at sober handshakes. 

Elevators

   The worst thing is when you get onto an elevator after everyone who's just been on it gets off (regardless of how many people are in it) and it just smells like a big ol' fart incubator and you're like:

   So you're in this stenchy dumbwaiter, wondering if the smell of egg fart is going to cling to your blazer and you think thats bad but THEN IT HAPPENS. Someone else gets on. And they smell it, because theres no way not to smell it. And they think its you. They think you would do something like that. In your head you start to panic and you're like, they don't know me, if they knew me they would know I would be more careful with my egg farts. Do you tell them your life story? There are only a couple more floors before your stop and your life story is pretty short, you could do it but then you're already there and then you somehow make eye contact with them and promptly look away which makes it so much worse and now you're blushing just like a guilty farter would!

   Then it turns out they're getting out on the same floor as you. Then they're going into the same office of you. Then you struggle for what feels like twenty minutes with your access pass as they stand behind you (far enough away lest you let another one rip, as they are thinking). Then they walk behind you all the way to your desk so now they know where you sit and you can never look them in the face ever again and its best to just jump out the window and end it all now. 

Moving Day Tips

   When you're moving its really key to store all your most important things in really weird places and pay very little attention to where you've put them. Here are some places for you to put those things.
  Passport: Put your passport in a pocket inside of a pocket in that coat that you bought two years ago as an impulse buy and haven't worn since.
   Birth certificate: Store that shit in a school book from the previous academic year.
   Wads of cash: the garbage.