A Word of Advice

GENTLEMEN I'm going to tell you how to make a girl and her mom (and anyone else in the world really) not hate you based on the photographs of yourself you present to the world. Listen up because apparently this is very tricky.

1. She doesn't care about your abs. Even if she does, SAVE IT FOR THE LIVE SHOW, MAGIC MIKE. Know when your abs are at their worst in a photo? When we can't even see your face. Believe me, your face is not so bad that a photo needs to be cropped from shoulders to crotch. Your face is more handsome than your abs, which is really just a series of lumps covered by a thin layer of greasy skin. PS Whats up with that glare? Is it actual grease???

2. She doesn't care about your bong. Know who does? The police. But hey, I'm not here to tell you how to live your life (she says as she lists reasons why you should change your photos). There is nothing worse than a gnarly bong photo. Even a cigar photo makes you look like a leathery old man, and blowing smoke out of your mouth isn't as seductive as you think it is. At least a cigar makes you look rich, but a bong just makes you look like everyone from high school. If drugs are a big part of your life, thats something she probably already knows about you if she has access to photos of you. A picture of you caressing a illicit vase is not doing you any favours. Keep blowing smoke in your photos and thats the only kind of blowing you can expect from now on (AYYYOOOOO).

3. She doesn't care about - and is probably offended by - your wardrobe comprised on Nike slogan T-shirts. You know, the ones that read, "I'm doing work", "How' second taste?" or "I fucked your mom or whatever" (one of those might be Adidas actually). How you gonna show up to Greek Easter with that kind of fashion sense? Wear whatever you want but when it comes to pictures of yourself that you consider 'good', no T-shirt that claims to tell me what I was doing last night should be involved.