Today, In Hell

   Today at American Apparel I had an experience where the sales people made me try on a dress that we all knew would not make it past my thunderous hips. Before the incident, I might not have used that adjective to describe my body, but what the hell, if the shoe fits-- or rather if the dress doesn't fit...

   I wasn't even meaning to try on the dress, I was in fact looking for an entirely different style - one that wasn't skintight - but the sales people, after making me feel like a complete fool, pressured me into trying it on. 

    I propose that American Apparel just build a great big chute at the back of the store for all the normal sized women who want to hide in their duvets for the rest of the week as a result of their experiences shopping there. Because really, who wants to leave out the front door after striking out in every single size of clothing? Better yet, how about a hole that just shoots fire out of the floor for easy self-incineration? 

Young People With Cats

   Fact: adopting kittens is cool. Kittens are adorable and are the sunshine of domesticated animals. Now that the majority of my associates live in their own apartments, a lot of people I know have decided that its a good idea to adopt a kitten. Some people adopt a kitten with they boy/girlfriend as a weird pseudo child, others go it solo. No matter what, it's a BAD IDEA.
   If you are under 25, you are generally working a minimum wage job (if you even have a job) in order to primarily finance your alcohol fund, you are in a four year program at school, and you eat so much ramen that you owe your soul to Mr. Noodles. Your life is about as steady as a mound of jello resting atop the head of an inflatable waving arm tube man, riding on a motorcycle down a gravel road.
   I think students forget that kittens are real life animals with life spans. A cat can live to be like sixteen. Do you really want to have this cat when you're almost 40? You'll have kids, and a real alcohol problem by then. More importantly, does the cat really want to be around you for that long? Will it even make it past its sixth birthday? I mean, you can barely feed yourself at this point, how do you expect to feed a small animal that can't specifically communicate its needs?
   I totally understand wanting to adopt a cat. I don't have siblings, so naturally growing up I was obsessed with cats. Unfortunately my father is allergic to all god's creatures and so I grew up pale and alone. So I've been to I-Want-A-Cat Town.
    To all the lonely twenty whatevers, I propose to meet you halfway. If you want an animal, adopt an old cat. Get a cat that is on death's doorstep and give it a great final three to six weeks of life. When the cat dies, just repeat the process. You'll save money on food, can reuse the cat supplies each time, and will get good practice for when you're nursing your elderly parents. Young people: adopt old cats.

The Barbie Cake

   I don't know if this is just a weird Canada thing, but whats up with the cake with half a Barbie inside? She's not really inside so much as she is one giant candle atop a cake that is supposed to be like her hoop skirt. Even when I was a wee lass, I knew there was something creepy about that cake. 

   My mom told me she's not even a whole Barbie, that its just her body from the torso up. Truly horrifying. Whats worse than receiving a hemiplegic doll on your birthday? Having no room for  candles on your cake. Getting the ass slice of barbie's skirt cake. This cake is the makings of the most traumatic birthday of your life. Worse than the one where the VCR broke at the sleepover birthday party. 

   The Barbie skirt cake probably makes a lot of money. Although the bakery down the street from my apartment has had the same one in the window for roughly 40 years - Madam Barbie has seen numerous birthdays of her own come and go. Are kids supposed to keep the half Barbie though? And where are her legs? Is there a factory in Taiwan that exclusively manufactures the top halves of her specifically for the cakes? Do bakeries then receive boxes full of half Barbies? Some poor baker goes down into the basement and breaks open the box of cake Barbies, her pained face looking up at them, 500 times over, pleading "Please. Just let me die."

   The reality is that half Barbie would never survive in the wild. After the fun and games and birthday pukes have passed, Barbie would never make it in the bin with her peers. Wheelchair Barbie is not a thing. Wheelchair Becky is a thing, but chances are you didn't grow up with her in your bin, and she definitely is not topping any cakes. War amp Barbie probably ends up in the garbage, cake all over her face, wondering where her half sisters are, asking herself, "Am I dead yet?"