The Barbie Cake

   I don't know if this is just a weird Canada thing, but whats up with the cake with half a Barbie inside? She's not really inside so much as she is one giant candle atop a cake that is supposed to be like her hoop skirt. Even when I was a wee lass, I knew there was something creepy about that cake. 

   My mom told me she's not even a whole Barbie, that its just her body from the torso up. Truly horrifying. Whats worse than receiving a hemiplegic doll on your birthday? Having no room for  candles on your cake. Getting the ass slice of barbie's skirt cake. This cake is the makings of the most traumatic birthday of your life. Worse than the one where the VCR broke at the sleepover birthday party. 

   The Barbie skirt cake probably makes a lot of money. Although the bakery down the street from my apartment has had the same one in the window for roughly 40 years - Madam Barbie has seen numerous birthdays of her own come and go. Are kids supposed to keep the half Barbie though? And where are her legs? Is there a factory in Taiwan that exclusively manufactures the top halves of her specifically for the cakes? Do bakeries then receive boxes full of half Barbies? Some poor baker goes down into the basement and breaks open the box of cake Barbies, her pained face looking up at them, 500 times over, pleading "Please. Just let me die."

   The reality is that half Barbie would never survive in the wild. After the fun and games and birthday pukes have passed, Barbie would never make it in the bin with her peers. Wheelchair Barbie is not a thing. Wheelchair Becky is a thing, but chances are you didn't grow up with her in your bin, and she definitely is not topping any cakes. War amp Barbie probably ends up in the garbage, cake all over her face, wondering where her half sisters are, asking herself, "Am I dead yet?"