You know how in the Olympics there are sports that are rather unpopular and you think, why does this get to be an Olympic sport? Today I had an epiphany and realized there is a major sport, which an extremely large demographic practices and performs with great skill that is being totally excluded from professional sporting tournaments: Not washing the dishes!
As a university student, I can vouch for the widespread participation in this event. For example, within my flat alone, there are about ten dishes that have been sitting out for at least a week! It takes a lot of skill in the area of negligence and disorganization to maintain that level of not washing the dishes. These aren't even just dishes, but pots, pans, mugs, cutlery and glassware as well. And from unsponsored athletes too! The form and stamina are quite remarkable.
On a good day, my flatmates can be expected to produce about three dishes each, none of which show any promise of being washed for at least two days. Such a high functioning talent of not washing dishes, and they don't even break a sweat. Imagine what they could do after years of rigorous training and perhaps with a wider selection of foods and dishes at their disposal!
I alone am not privy to this insane talent. Not washing the dishes is a skill mastered by a shocking percentage of the population primarily, but not limited to, post-secondary students. Like all talents, persistently not washing the dishes is developed through habit. However, at certain peak times, athletes who ordinarily do not excel at not washing the dishes can prove to be stiff competition for those who have done it all their lives. Rookies can really make a break through in the sport during exam time, the time immediately after a Thanksgiving meal, and during a break up.
Not washing the dishes may well be the most untapped well of pre-existing talent on an international level. Bringing the sport to the Olympic stage would really showcase the raw talent that goes shamefully uncelebrated. The pool of veteran athletes is vast as well as the promise shown by those who dabble for months, and then slip off the not washing dishes radar.
The Almond Live In 3D
Monday, December 9, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Kids Playing
Kids do not know what a sweet deal they have. All kids do is play. All. fucking. day. long. Parents are slaves to playing. And they don't hate it. Little babies have it the best because everyone wants to play with little babies. The only concern of little babies is eating and even then, thats only a concern when they remember that they're hungry!
Then there is school, which is just a place that kids go to for more playing. I don't understand why kids cry on their first day of kindergarten because it is literally a place where you play all the time and maybe nap once in a while. Clearly someone is not explaining the concept to these weepy kids, "you are literally getting sent to a place where there are blocks and paints and dollhouses and books and more then one bathroom where you spend a good portion of the days just having the time of your life". And there are other kids, and even if they are assholes, you can go play with any of the other horde of kids. Kids have never seen so many kids in their lives until they walk into kindergarten. As an only child, I had no clue there were more kids out there than me and the ones on commercials until I went to kindergarten. Also there is music! And gym! And not even the distressing middle-school kind where you always have your period and everyone can see the outline of your training bra through your low-grade uniform shirt and you live in fear of sweating too much in front of other kids (who are actually real live, fully developed assholes by then). Kids gym is just running and jumping and uninhibited sweat.
Kids are completely unaware that there will ever be a time where there are other things to do but play, where you are discouraged from playing randomly with balls. Kids are aware that their parents do not go to school or play, and that their teachers have the job of teacher but thats not a concept that really applies to them. That is for adults, and they are not one of those.
Kids have no idea, man...
Then there is school, which is just a place that kids go to for more playing. I don't understand why kids cry on their first day of kindergarten because it is literally a place where you play all the time and maybe nap once in a while. Clearly someone is not explaining the concept to these weepy kids, "you are literally getting sent to a place where there are blocks and paints and dollhouses and books and more then one bathroom where you spend a good portion of the days just having the time of your life". And there are other kids, and even if they are assholes, you can go play with any of the other horde of kids. Kids have never seen so many kids in their lives until they walk into kindergarten. As an only child, I had no clue there were more kids out there than me and the ones on commercials until I went to kindergarten. Also there is music! And gym! And not even the distressing middle-school kind where you always have your period and everyone can see the outline of your training bra through your low-grade uniform shirt and you live in fear of sweating too much in front of other kids (who are actually real live, fully developed assholes by then). Kids gym is just running and jumping and uninhibited sweat.
Kids are completely unaware that there will ever be a time where there are other things to do but play, where you are discouraged from playing randomly with balls. Kids are aware that their parents do not go to school or play, and that their teachers have the job of teacher but thats not a concept that really applies to them. That is for adults, and they are not one of those.
Kids have no idea, man...
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
How to Live Your Life and Not Get Killed
The following is a comprehensive list of activities to avoid so as to limit potential encounters with vampires, zombies, ghosties, murderers, psychopaths and the reaper as per Hollywood films:
1.Taking baths- reduce your carbon footprint and also prevent drown in a tub of your own blood.
2. Walking up stairs- we all know that when you walk up stairs you increase the risk of a spook grabbing you by the legs and pulling you down to the underworld.
3. Watching video tapes- it is estimated that 1 in 10 video tapes will prophesize and concretize your imminent death.
4. Answering the phone- especially if it is following watching a video tape.
5. Being around windows- especially when answering the phone! Chances are the person calling can see you through the window and is only calling to remark upon what you're doing with the sole intention of bringing their watchful gaze to your attention.
6. Moving into an old mansion- old mansions are all haunted as well as having occult groundskeepers.
7. Moving into a new apartment- occult neighbours.
8. Getting on a plane- snakes.
9. Getting on a rollercoaster- the home of the bizarre, untimely and absurd death.
10. Playing board games- no board game is innocent fun. They all have secretly been possessed by demons and are a ploy to ruin your life and take over the world.
11. Use of any item which you have to blow dust off of first- this is possibly the most important piece of advice I can give! Dust is always indicative of a cursed item! Always!
12. Babysitting- option a) the child is possessed. Option b) there is a murderer outside.
13. Camping- zero security plus fire which is easily spookified. Also many campgrounds are built on ancient indian burial sites.
14. Sleeping with the lights off- not only do lights allow for maximum visibility but also lights burn the skin of the household boogyman and vampires- duh.
15. Sleeping with the door closed- it's just common knowledge that when the door is closed, spooks can just slide right in, but when the door is closed spooks cannot enter.
16. Having dreams- dreams are when sleep murderers come and murder you in your sleep.
17. Looking in the mirror- this activity enables historical figures to haunt you from the dead and terrorize your soul.
18. Anything well-related- wells are where undead chill out, waiting for alive people to think, "oh what a quaint well." and then they feast upon their flesh.
19. Going to the bathroom- the bathroom is just a bad place. Also sitting on the toilet makes you susceptible to alligators biting your behind.
20. Following any noise ever- if you hear a noise, you should probably just kill yourself before whatever is out there gets you first.
21. Searching for your dog- if you can't find Spot, its because Spot is dead and soon you will be too.
22. Meeting new people- all strangers are either witches or psychopaths.
1.Taking baths- reduce your carbon footprint and also prevent drown in a tub of your own blood.
2. Walking up stairs- we all know that when you walk up stairs you increase the risk of a spook grabbing you by the legs and pulling you down to the underworld.
3. Watching video tapes- it is estimated that 1 in 10 video tapes will prophesize and concretize your imminent death.
4. Answering the phone- especially if it is following watching a video tape.
5. Being around windows- especially when answering the phone! Chances are the person calling can see you through the window and is only calling to remark upon what you're doing with the sole intention of bringing their watchful gaze to your attention.
6. Moving into an old mansion- old mansions are all haunted as well as having occult groundskeepers.
7. Moving into a new apartment- occult neighbours.
8. Getting on a plane- snakes.
9. Getting on a rollercoaster- the home of the bizarre, untimely and absurd death.
10. Playing board games- no board game is innocent fun. They all have secretly been possessed by demons and are a ploy to ruin your life and take over the world.
11. Use of any item which you have to blow dust off of first- this is possibly the most important piece of advice I can give! Dust is always indicative of a cursed item! Always!
12. Babysitting- option a) the child is possessed. Option b) there is a murderer outside.
13. Camping- zero security plus fire which is easily spookified. Also many campgrounds are built on ancient indian burial sites.
14. Sleeping with the lights off- not only do lights allow for maximum visibility but also lights burn the skin of the household boogyman and vampires- duh.
15. Sleeping with the door closed- it's just common knowledge that when the door is closed, spooks can just slide right in, but when the door is closed spooks cannot enter.
16. Having dreams- dreams are when sleep murderers come and murder you in your sleep.
17. Looking in the mirror- this activity enables historical figures to haunt you from the dead and terrorize your soul.
18. Anything well-related- wells are where undead chill out, waiting for alive people to think, "oh what a quaint well." and then they feast upon their flesh.
19. Going to the bathroom- the bathroom is just a bad place. Also sitting on the toilet makes you susceptible to alligators biting your behind.
20. Following any noise ever- if you hear a noise, you should probably just kill yourself before whatever is out there gets you first.
21. Searching for your dog- if you can't find Spot, its because Spot is dead and soon you will be too.
22. Meeting new people- all strangers are either witches or psychopaths.
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