I have a lot of questions about French kissing. According to Wikipedia (my favourite source for accurate information),"A French kiss is a kiss in which one or both participants' tongues touch the partner's lips or tongue, usually entering their mouth.". But thats not what I'm talking about, because I'm saving my first kiss for marriage.
I don't really know how to refer to the kiss I'm talking about since "French kiss" has already been dibsed so I guess I will refer to it as "the kiss that French people do" from here on out. Its the one where two people kiss on both cheeks. You know the one.
There is no surer way to throw off Anglos than by rocking their world with this kiss. I for one see it as a million awkward moments waiting to happen. I mean, who out of us has not accidentally kissed our great aunt right on the mouth in the midst of the confusion that the kiss French people do causes.
First off, there's the issue of who's going to which side first. But the drama doesn't end there, in fact that is the least of my concerns. Speed has always been my most prominent anxiety about the kiss that French people do because its not usually until I'm really close to their face that I'm certain I'm going in for the kiss that French people do. Until three seconds before its happening, the kiss that French people do could be a straightforward hug, with no frills. So I never know how fast to perform the cheek kisses. It always seems as if I've rushed through it and smashed my face against my partner.
Also, I never actually kiss the other person's cheek(s). It is physically impossible for two people to be simultaneously kissing the opposing cheek of the other person. It can't be done without surgical aids. Some people don't even bother with the kiss, its more of a face graze, which presents yet another issue. Do I then have to make the kissy noise? What is the protocol? By that point you're right up close to their ear. They'll definitely hear your kissy noise, is it better then to just plant one on their ear? Is that okay?
Do you even have to pucker? Nobody can see you, but I feel like its good form to purse your lips a little bit, or at least I always do. Does that mean that you have to close your eyes as well, and follow the standard general kiss guidelines??
How is it possible to foster even a smidgen of romance in this hectic kiss environment? It would be best if we all just kept it at sober handshakes.
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