Help! I'm caught in a dinner wormhole and I am powerless to stop it. It is the worst of both worlds: I can't satisfy my hunger and as a result I might as well literally be eating a hole in my wallet.
I can think of so many more counterintuitive ways to get rid of my money that would be less damaging to my waistline. I could just feed twenty dollar bills into the floor vents and wait for the billowing smoke of wasted money to fill the room. I've already got that going on in a metaphorical way, but it would be especially poetic if I could breathe it in for realsies.
Buying cocaine and sprinkling a fine layer of it along public surfaces would be a more efficient way to waste money too. That way I'm being more generous but in a subtle way. People won't even know they've got coke on their hands! What fun!
Or I could just wipe my butt with money. That would be good too.
I feel like I am describing Charlie Sheen's actual life right now, and to be real, Charlie is probably looking leaner than I am right now, which I'm sure is a direct result of having appropriate ways to waste his money.
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