Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I was thinking of ending the post after all that laughter, but I have too much to say about Spring Breakers to stop there.
To postscript the laughter and preface the cinematic criticism you should know that I will tune in and watch anything on TV. Like, the worst of the worst, reality TV, you name it I admit to having watched at least three episodes (plus six more episodes that I would not admit to watching but definitely did). So, yeah, I watch a lot of shit. But Spring Breakers is not even Bachelor Pad bad. It's not even Rock of Love, or Rock of Love Bus bad. It's just plain bad.
Luckily I went with a friend on a giftcard and I had a lot of M&M's to steady me throughout the movie. But I was shocked to learn, after leaving the theatre, that people are seriously considering this movie as a commentary on pop culture and race and feminism and all those big words that get you Oscar noms. Not that anybody is saying Gucci Mane is going to get nominated for Best Supporting Actor 2013 (yeah, Gucci Mane is casually in Spring Breakers. Take. it. in.)
I've already sacrificed ninety-four minutes of my life to this movie, so I'm not going to do a lot of research on the entire career of Harmony Korine as a filmmaker. It's just not in my plans for the evening, sorry. I just wanna say though that just because you put butts and guns in a movie, does not make it a commentary on anything. This movie being a statement film is kind of like having a Double Gulp slushie and trying to pass it off as water because, hey, a percentage of it is ice which is water so... yeah.
The only redeeming things about this movie are 1. When you realize Gucci Mane is Gucci Mane, and you excuse the fact that you literally cannot understand anything he says in the entire movie 2. When Selena Gomez or the other one says "All this money is making my pussy wet" and you spit M&M's everywhere because never was a less relatable thing ever said ever 3. When the only way to remain entertained after the first one second of the movie is to softly whisper "James Franco" after everything James "Alien" Franco says. And imagine him "showing up" to "teach classes" at Columbia.
My theory is that you need to consume as much drugs and/or alcohol as the girls do in order to enjoy any aspect of Spring Breakers.
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