What Does a "Kind Face" Look Like???

   In my program, I happen to read and write a lot of amateur fiction writing. It's awesome and I love it most of the time. You could even say it is one of my passions, although my cynical disposition does not lend itself well to being passionate about anything.
   Having read a variety of fiction and poetry over the year I feel the need to address this thing that writers do called Kind Face Syndrome. People will write stuff like, "Stewart had a kind face". I'm sorry, but I will pay someone money to give me a airtight definition of what that looks like. I don't think kind faces exist outside of poorly written fiction. I could see a kind voice maaaaybe. But even then it's like, get a better adjective, this is 2013 for god's sake!
   Kind faces have plagued my existence this year. I can't even think of an example of what I would imagine to be a kind face. Mother Teresa perhaps?

   I wouldn't even say that she looks particularly kind. I would say thats more of a tired face. Someone get that lady a soft cushion and an Us Weekly.

   Okay, so if not MT then who else? Anne Hathaway? She's pretty placid and complacent and she always seems kind in interviews. 

   Okay, admittedly I started writing this with the conceit that there is no such thing as a kind face, and at first I thought Ms. Anne had proven me wrong. Girl's got the closest thing I've ever seen to a kind face. But the more I started scrutinizing photos of Anne Hathaway's face (PS my browser history is going to be weird for the next person who uses this computer!), the more I realized it's just a face. In fact, she looks a little uncomfortable in a lot of pictures. In this one she looks especially perturbed. Also, what is she wearing??? Enough of this though, this is not another shit on Anne Hathaway piece, we move on! 

   Who even else is there in the world? And how could we possibly get more saccharine than Mother Teresa AND Anne Hathaway? What about a lil kitten, would that do it?

   Oh goodness, look at how precious! Look at its little feet! And its little pointy ears! See how it frolics! And its whiskers! Its! Whiskers! Yes, the kitten is far more adorable than Anne Hathaway and even Mother Teresa BUT does this kitten exude kindness from its furry little pores? Would this kitten lend me five dollars? Would this kitten give me free cocaine just because it wants me to have a fun night? Would this kitten give me its last tampon? I'm looking at its face and I just. can't. tell. 

   Okay, lets try one more for good luck. It seems that women and animals are out. But what about men? Whats that you say, all men are swine? Touché! Okay, lightning round, here we go: Joe Jonas. No! One step further, I say! All Jonases on deck! Triple threat! Show us the kind faces!

   No. Just, no.

   Alriiiight so I guess if you're looking for someone with a "kind face" you'll just have to picture Anne Hathaway from here on out. Sorry if I've ruined the creative illusion. But hey, there are worse things than Anne Hathaway, right... Right? Sorry, that was mean. I'll stop now.

PS Stay tuned for upcoming piece entitled "Things That Are Worse Than Anne Hathaway"

PPS I don't even dislike her that much I'm just a sheep! A sheep, I say!