Awkward Sweat

   Sometimes when I go to the gym I wear my old cheerleading shorts. They are those standard Gildan practice shorts that lots of people have, mine are navy blue if you must know (blue, green and white *clap clap*; fight ravens fight). I wear them sometimes if I don't want to have mad panty lines, whatever, its not a big deal, get over it.

   Yesterday during my crazy fitness regime I observed a young man who had a large and noticeable sweat stain around his... how do I put this gently... around his derriere region. At first, I was inclined to laugh ruthlessly at this young man (in my head of course, as I am very conscious of what other people think of me). But then I was struck with the awful comprehension of the power of the butt sweat gods. 

   I realized that I was not wearing my bicycle shorts, which are the kryptonite of hiney moisture stainage. I was fair game in my cotton shorts. I was struck with sudden insecurity. Its not that I was sweating so profusely, but that I was sitting on the exercise bike, and for some reason this made my fear seem a million times more possible. I was recalled to an awful day last summer when I biked downtown to hand out resumes only to realize I had been struck down by the butt sweat gods (needless to say, none of those places called me). 

   Even more awkward than realizing you have butt sweat, is attempting to casually check yourself for butt sweat. I went to clean off my machine, trying with no luck to angle my butt away from everyone else in the gym, but towards the mirror so I could inspect the situation. I tried to look fatigued, and drink from my water bottle near a glass door, with hopes of discreetly checking out the damage in the reflection-- my neck does not have that range of motion I discovered. 

   Finally I sucked it up and walked through the entire gym to discover in a widely mirrored area, that the butt sweat gods had spared me. But really, had they spared me? They got me just as good, and I am sure I managed to make quite a spectacle of myself. People probably thought I was just going out of my way to check myself out, and I think thats more embarrassing than having actual workout perspiration on your caboose. Butt sweat gods: 1 Me: 0.