As you may have noticed, part of my being a Creative Writing Major involves me being a creative person. I also have some creative friends, and sometimes we talk about creative things, creatively of course. My friend and I were being very distracted from lecture today because we kept laughing about satanic toasters. If you haven't seen the satanic toaster video, search that up right now. Are you back? Did you watch it? Good. Its hilarious and so my friend and I started thinking of the best satanic kitchenware. The main point that we agreed on is that it has to be something entirely non-menacing, because all it does it preach satanic ideas, its not trying to kill you or anything. So that rules out anything that has a mouth or something bitey, because thats a little scary. Here I have compiled the best satanic kitchenware and why, enjoy!
1. Satanic french press- It has no mouth, first of all, and nothing that could even be moderately intimidating.
2. Satanic salt n' pepper shakers- they wouldn't even be able to walk, and if their satanic phrases started bothering you, you could just unscrew their heads.
3. Satanic popcorn maker- I imagine the popcorn maker would be really overzealous, but how often do you really make popcorn anyway?
4. Satanic cupcake iron- the mere fact that this exists is so comical that there is no way its satanism would be frightening. Also its gotta stay leashed to the wall.
I imagine that all these appliances have different catchphrases, but being well-versed in creative techniques Imma let you imagine those for yourself. The main thing to remember is these appliances don't want to scare or hurt you, they just want to spread their beliefs and ultimately save you from a misguided life. If they could, I bet these satanic appliances would stand on street corners and outside metro stations armed with religious comic books and pamphlets.
...See what I did there?
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