Meatheads

   I know so many meatheads. I don't know why, do I attract the friendship/ acquaintance of meatheads?  
   I was at this party on Halloweekend and this guy I knew from rez last year came up to me out of nowhere and demanded fist bumps and chest/shoulder bumps. He is a football player, and I was wearing a crown of poinsettias, we were not equally matched for any kind of bumping. Classic meathead move.
   I would propose that there are different varieties of meatheads, and that clubs and grungy bars are the delis for finding such meatheads.
   There are the meatheads who are meatball heads. These guys are not physically challenging, and regardless of their level of intellect these guys are always trying to engage in knowledgeable conversations, regardless of the social cues they receive from people around them. Such meatheads are often philosophy majors, or former-engineering students turned full-time baristas.
   Then you've got the meatheads who resemble thin slices of sandwich meats. Its hard to tell whats going on with these guys, and you are constantly questioning who they know and how you know them and whether they are high or not. Most of the time these meatheads stand around smiling, not adding anything to conversation. They never seem to remember who you are either, and as a result you must always re-introduce yourself to them. These guys are usually more puzzling and mildly annoying rather than flat out hateful.
   Moving on through the meet aisle of life, we are next brought to the ham hock meat-head. I picture these gentlemen as simply a ham hock with googley eyes sitting atop a pair of neckless shoulder. This particularly meathead is defined by a one-dimensional personality, and undeniable stupidity. While such meatheads may be loved by their mothers and a group of bros, possess moderately good intentions and be well-versed on the subject of exercise, it is difficult to be in the company of such a meathead without stabbing your eyes out.
   I have saved the last category for the likes of my fist/chest bumping acquaintance; those who's brains are literally made of ground beef. These meatheads look normal upon first encountering them- they know how to behave around new people, they seem like functioning members of society. Beware: these meatheads are often the most offensive and toxic of all. These meatheads think they are above the common meathead, since they do not identify with the personality type at all. These are the kinds of guys who either get a lot of girls/ guys or think that they would but they just "have really high standards". Another classic ground beef brain move is to think (if they're straight) that all gay men are attracted to them (the same is true in the reverse situation). These meatheads are made even worse by the fact that they are wildly ignorant, and often use their sense of humour as a safety net on which to defend insensitive remarks. Example:
Meathead: nine in ten people enjoy gang rape.
Rape victim: thats not ok.
Meathead: It was a joke, god, who pissed in her pot?

   Thus concludes my in depth examination of meatheads. For further instruction on the identification and culture the meathead, consult your sassy aunt or family physician.