Christmas Desserts

   Why does most Christmas candy taste like shit? I've actually been eating more candy canes this year than I have ever before in my life, because I am using them as meal replacements. I will admit that I am developing a taste for them, but its not like anyone has ever listed candy canes in their favourite foods or among items they would bring to a desert island.
      Forget about candy canes though, whats up with those chocolate mounds with the red goo inside? My mum loves that shit but I don't even know what its supposed to be. Also, the picture on the box makes it look kind of remind me of R2D2, or a demon egg. Nothing says the spirit of Christmas like:

Also: sugarplums. Whatup with that? I think I speak for everyone under the age of 70 when I say I've never even tasted a sugar plum. Its not even a plum apparently. It can refer to any kind of dried candy. I'm starting to wonder if its even edible... I'm just confused at this point.

Not what you were expecting right? 100% misleading. 

   Last one, and by far worst of all is Christmas cake. The vile mess created by the ultimate Scrooge to ruin every child's Christmas. An old lady who is vaguely related to you offers you a piece of cake and you say yes, because you love baked goods. Except this is a baked bad. If a fruit salad, rock candy and a bran muffin got together for a crazy orgy, this would be the result of the unwanted pregnancy. Christmas cake sucks.

IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS OK??!!