~~Speed Stacking~~

   When I attended ghetto middle school, we could not afford textbooks for my math class. Someone smeared their faeces all over the washroom once (but thats a story for another day). But most importantly, at my school there was a full unit in gym devoted to speed stacking.
   I am going to tear speed stacking a new one. Men and women all over the world who have given up on ever having a real job speed stack professionally. Its a "sport" just like washing the dishes, flushing the toilet and polishing silverware- all of which are not sports at all. If speed stacking qualifies as a sport, and me eating cake does not, then I don't want to live in this world anymore.
   Let me break it down at a leisurely pace. There are these special cups (special in the way that an ugly haircut is special) that have six really important and special features according to the speed stacking website (www.lamesport69.com). The idea is that you stack and unstack the cups in a specific order (there are like 12 cups in a set), and you try to do it as fast as possible. Think you can do that? BOOM, you're an athlete!
   On their website (www.buyafuckingsoccerball.com ) there are 25 words of speed stacking vocabulary under the heading "Sport Stacking lingo". My personal favourites are: ambidexterity (don't know when that became an exclusive speed stacking thing, but okay), teamwork, and cup. For those of you who didn't know what a cup was, you can legit go to the website for a full definition (www.waystobearunningjokeinyourfamily.com/cup).
   Now, I don't want to shit on the party. The stacking community is probably great, and in my time as a gym class student as well as a camp counsellor, I've had several run-ins with speed stacking. But I just want you to know that a stack of 12 plastic cups (yes, cups) is 16$ at the online store. If you want all the necessary equipment to run a successful speed stacking ring, thats going to cost you up to 45$ for one set.
   Coming full circle with this story: my school could afford at least six sets of stacking cups (and paradoxically necessary superfluous equipment) but not math textbooks. The boys gym class got to go outside and do real things like move their legs while the girls gym class got to sit inside and develop body image issues.