On Naming Pets

   Day: yesterday. Time: post-dinner food coma time. On TV: The six o'clock news.
   Picture this: A story is featured about a little lost dog. The dog is small and of a longhaired breed, the golden variety. Via the aid of some kind souls in the community the dog finds his way back to his masters. Truly heartwarming, you feel for the little lost dog and his sad owner UNTIL you are informed that the dog's name is Tiny Tank.
   Who the fuck names their dog Tiny Tank? Animals with people names can be charming and cute, but I draw the line at animals with thing names. I take the dog's name to mean that he is powerful despite his size, but do you really need the name to remind you of that? If the dog truly is a small, tracked, armoured fighting vehicle then I'm sure anyone who encounters him will realize this therefore it does not need to be explicitly stated in his name.
   Another gruesome thought has now just crossed my mind. Is Tiny Tank a girl or a boy? I don't think any living female, mammal or amphibian, relishes the idea of being compared to a tank engine, regardless of the honourable qualities associated with it. But then I was thinking of nicknames, and the dog probably goes by Tiny in its home. I can't imagine the owners use its full name all the time, and I'm assuming they're on a first name basis (no need for Mr./Ms. Tank). But a boy dog affectionately referred to as Tiny doesn't seem to fit quite right either, although maybe I'm thinking too black and white in terms of gender stereotypes.
   Or perhaps this is what the owners of Tiny Tank wanted all along; an educated discussion of the gender norms in our society. Yes, I think that even the whole missing dog story was a ploy to capture the public's attention. How clever Mr. and Mrs. Tank Sr. are! I have had a change of heart and would now suggest that we all start naming our animals strange thing names to inspire discussion of a political nature. I can't have pets in the home, but I have a plant and I will address it as The Napoleonic Wars from here on out.