Hackers

   If you are the person who has been hacking into my email then first of all, you can suck a bag of big toes.
   I went to the Apple store today to deal with my internet hacking issues. There was a good-looking young gentleman helping me, so it restored my will to live a little bit more. I use the term "help" in a very loose way because really he just told me that I needed to change my passwords and that would probably fix the problem. He told me to change the passwords for my other accounts too. So in case you're wondering, all my passwords are now variations of buttsbutts69.
   For reals though, feel free to contact me if you want any of my passwords. Even my e-banking password, because all its good for is a chuckle at best. I would be especially happy if you stole my Twitter password and seized control of my account. Please. Take it off my hands. Please let me know what all my small-town friends are up to- how their morning coffees are, what K'naan lyrics best apply to their lives at any given moment, all that really pressing information.
    Legitimately, I don't know what's been going on with people getting access to my phone and internet life. To save us all a lot of time and energy, I wish I could have forewarned all these hackers. I want, for their sake more than mine because they are expecting something out of hacking me, to let them know that I am the least profitable human being. Literally the most treasured documents on my computer are my Microsoft Paint photo edits. The best part of my bank account is that one time when I got a statement for 66.66$. The most worth-it Facebook hack would be to check out the picture of me on the toilet which is only posted in a private group. I'm sure if my antagonists knew this, they would just skip the trouble. Maybe hack Bill Gates. Or Rihanna.